and to all

i almost always stay up past midnight. most nights its just the unintentional drive to stay awake until im exhausted, but tonight; tonight was different.

tonight was intentional. tonight…. today actually, we celebrate. our dear Saviours birth.

In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. (This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) And everyone went to his own town to register.

So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests.”

When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.” So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

may we rest tonight in the company of angels, in the joy of shepherds and in the determination of wise men. may our hearts be again opended to the reality of Christs birth, the simplicity of salvation and the joy that this season brings. may our hearts, our minds and our spirits be filled with His, and with all of who He is.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night

lets do this

things like this dont usually come easy to me. im typically the one helping, not asking for help. but i made a promise to a friend; and i was reminded once again that even our heroes, the mighty men and women who have walked the road we’re on, needed help.

and saul’s son jonathan went to david at Horesh and helped him find strength in God….

sometimes we need someone to help us find strength in God.

so this is me, asking for help. actually, im not looking for help so much as i am looking for a few people who know where im coming from. people who on occasion, need to be reminded that God is still God.

the longer i live the more i realize i cannot do this on my own. so maybe it is asking for help. its a cry, my hearts cry. i know there are people out there just like me. who need someone that they can turn to when the other shoe drops, or even just during a bad day. who need to know that this someone will cover them in prayer, go to war for them, and is simply there spiritually for them.

if you’re like me, this is your invitation. heck, even david needed someone to remind him where his strength was found. shouldnt we be able to say we need the same thing? anyone interested?
feel free to email sirpjtheknight@gmail.com

desperation

i know we dont talk as often as we should. and i know that its my fault. i guess part of me still holds the last 4 years against you. part of me is still scared that your some malicious person just waiting for me to be happy again. just waiting. holding the other shoe over my head…. just waiting for the right time to let it drop.

im learning that i am a conflicted person. and as afraid of you as i am, im also hungry to worship you. hungry for friendships that will reflect your love. hungry to be surrounded by people who arent ashamed to proclaim your name. your truth. your freedom. your love.

im hungry.

you show me who i am to you, and yet i still see with blinding clarity, who i am to me. and sadly, i look at the me side more than i look at the you side. so maybe its not you im afraid of. maybe im afrad of me. and my utter unworthyness. maybe its my fear of you seeing how horrible i truly am. and no longer wanting to love me.

its the prodigal son, standing at the darkness of the doorway, just outside his Fathers dining hall. looking longingly into the light of the room. watching the feast. watching the joy… crying as he sees the uncondtional love that his Father pours on his guests.

its the desire to step out of the dark, and leave the grime encrusted clothes behind… walk into the light and just be loved. its the hunger to be me. its the hunger to know…

to know you

this is the air i breathe
this is the air i breathe
your holy presence living in me

this is my daily bread
this is my daily bread
your very word spoken to me

and i
im despereate for you
and i
im lost without you
and i
im desperate for you
and i
im lost without you

take me away

dont give up on me yet
dont forget who i am
i know im not there yet
but dont let me stand here alone

everything

what does a real christian look like? seirously now. what does one whos so abandoned themselves to an all loving King truly look like. would i recognize them if i knew them before?

what does finding ones freedom in losing ones self look like? who would i be if i truly let go of my fears? of the things that keep me in my safe little hole? who would i be if i let myself be the real me? what would happen? would i still be loved if people knew who i was? who i could have been?

is true love really the ability to look into the blackness of anothers soul and yet still, amongst the utter ruins, find something lovely… something love-able?

there have been times the past few weeks where ive felt overwhelmed. drowing. drowning in my self. there have been times where ive just felt lost. where these questions are the ones im asking. where the answers to these questions are what im yearning for.

who am i? who could i be? and would i still be love-able?

what would i look like if i truly let go? if i released all hold on my life and let God have His way? would you recognize me? would i?

and how can i stand here with You
and not be moved by You
would You tell me how could it be
any better than this

cos You’re all i want
all i need
You’re everything
everything
You’re all i want
You’re all i need
You’re everything
everything

look at my boy!

so i love the Animal Planet. sue me.

actually, i ended up watching a special they had on a few days ago. it chronicled some amazing stories of pets that were left beind after hurricate katrina, and how they somehow survived at times weeks without food or water. it showed the pain the owners felt when they were told they had to leave there pets behind.

and it showed in beautiful detail, the joy… the joy of restoration.

i wasnt 5 minutes into the show and i had tears in my eyes.

the first story was told of an an older black man and his terrier. he had spent the first 4 nights after katrina on a highway overpass with his dog and a bunch of other people before finally getting to someplace of relative safety. after all the trauma of seeing his city under 5 feet of water, sleeping on overpasses and being afraid for his life he was then told he couldnt board a bus with his dog.

so he did what he had to do. and left the dog.

weeks later the dog was rescued by volunteers who found this little dog had swum 2 1/2 blocks back to his house… he was alive. shortly thereafter this little dog, and this man were reunited. and i will never forget what i saw.

i watched as a grown man was reunited with a member of his family. i saw the joy in this fathers eyes when he spotted his son. i saw all pretenses of “proper etiquette” be immediately dropped. I heard the passion, the excitement, the love in the fathers voice when he cried out…

“look at my boy!… look at my boy! LOOK AT MY BOY!”

and then i heard something else. i heard the cry of the Fathers heart. i heard it break. and i saw the tears. and i knew the hunger the Father had felt, when they weren’t together. and i saw the Fathers eyes… and i heard the Fathers voice, and i felt the Fathers joy when i realized that this is what happens in heaven every time… every single time, one of the Fathers sons or daughters come home.

look at my boy! LOOK AT MY BOY!!!!

this dog hadn’t been abandoned. this… this son was back home. he was safe. he was cared for. he was secure and never again would he and his Father be apart.

this Father, when he saw His son afar off, stepped out of His house and he ran. he ran to his son…

He ran.

thank you Father, for running.

edit

i saw your name just now. can we say ‘caught offguard’? and wow… ive absolutely no idea how to react.

what did i do?
what did i say?

you’re just, you left. youre gone.

part of me is desperate to find out what on earth i did. part of me wonders if it wasnt something i dont know about, but, just a cumulation of me not being the person i should have been.

but another part of me is quietly whispering to me… its telling me that you’ve repeatedly said i didnt do anything. that i hadnt screwed up. that i know nothing and that therefore its pointless for me to try to apologize.

everyone makes mistakes. and im sorry for those i made.

but im not going to apologize to you anymore. i want to not worry about what happened. i want to not freak out every time i see your name. life goes on. and ive got to go with it.

but i dont want too. i want to sit here. i want to tell you im scared. im worried. im hurt and im lost and im wondering…

im wondering why.

august evenings
bring subtle warnings to remember
to kiss the ones you love goodnight

you never know what temporal days may bring
laugh and love, live free and sing
when life is discord-
praise ye the Lord

dropped frisbees

im beginning to realize that our capacity for joy, our ability to expierence the happiness that living contains, our skill at seeing the good, the happy, the things to smile about in the everyday, is linked to the hell we’ve seen.

there are times when i dont think i could laugh at what i laugh at, had i not cried when i did. there are times when i sit back and realize i wouldnt be able to live, love and laugh as often as i do, i wouldnt be as thankful for what i have; if i wasnt forced to realize what could be, and at times was, lost.

we went to the texas state fair today. its a yearly tradition for my family to go at least once to the state fair. good food. fun car show. overall a great time. but something caught me, something made me pause.

we ended up watching one of those dog shows where they take the dogs through different skills. frisbee catching, pole-weaving, flat out speed, etc. we’d been last year to this show and it proved again to be a fun time.

i sat amazed throughout almost the entire show. not at how many frisbees were caught, or how high the dogs could jump, but at how rapt these four legged animals were with their owners, with their masters. the crowd of easily 2-3 thousand, the other dogs, the noise, the music, the announcer, none of it mattered. these dogs attention was unwaveringly focused on their masters. nothing else mattered. they litterally exploded out of the cages and their eyes didnt leave their masters.

and beyond that, they were having fun. they lived for what they were doing.

what hit me the hardests? the frisbees.

each dog did some amazing tricks catching frisbess thrown all over the arena. and each and every dog missed some frisbees…. but get this, they DID NOT CARE.

they didnt stop and apologize, they didnt lose focus, they didnt for one second wonder or fear or second guess the love their masters had for them. they didnt lose it, they didnt break down or stop trying. they kept going. they forgot about the dropped frisbee immediately for the next thing flowing from the hand of their master. they were living in the gaze of their masters and absolutely nothing else mattered.

it didnt matter if they dropped 1 frisbee, or all of them. this wasnt about the frisbee tricks, it wasnt about a job well done, it wasnt about the crowd, or the guy who just dropped his hamburger, this wasnt about the circumstances or surroundings, this wasnt about being better than the next dog. this was about the master. this was about the next chace they’d get to be in His arms, to feel His love and know that they were the only thing that mattered to him. this was about the master and only the master.

these four legged animals that cannot talk, cannot clean up after themselves, these smelly, slobery dogs were teaching me about life. about truly living. about not caring about their surroundings, about living in a time where every conceivable distraction is thrown at you, and yet your focus doesnt waver.

what world i would live in if i could only learn to live for the masters gaze. to live in all that He has for me, to forget the dropped firsbees, the messes left, the times i made a mistake or flat out disobeyed. who would i be if i truly dropped all pretenses and let myself rely on the truth that His love for me isnt based on catching firsbees? what impact would i have if i was freed to be me, to live for being with my master and to love every single moment of life? who would i be? how would i change? what would happen if i stopped crying over dropped frisbess, and simply began to live?

sovereign stillness…

keep waiting
-stavesacre

i was far away from here, felt like a million miles
under unfamiliar skies
in more than one way far from dreams I’d dreamed
i’d seen the blinding light, there was hope but was there time
slow trigger starting line
and each day of waiting seemed eternity

You never left my side
You never left my mind

so they will open up their mouths
but really who are they?
and soon enough they’ll fade away
only blind but soon they’ll have to see
fear like a cancer spreads
how many more will drop their eyes
lift their hands and wait to die
and how much time to spend to see who stands
but I think i know the way
i got a promise on the mind
and ill be looking for what’s mine

Sovereign stillness whispers trust in Me

in just a little while
theyll wish that they were silent

keep waiting
I’ll be right on time
keep waiting
I’ll be right on time

and when they try to take your eyes off of Me
remember
and when they try to take your eyes off of Me
remember Me

keep waiting
I’ll be right on time
keep waiting
I’ll be right on time

help me trust, help me wait. help me hear the sovereign stillness. and when they try to take my eyes off of You, help me remember. help me remember You.

focus = not me

You are more beautiful
than anyone ever
everyday Your the same
You never change
no never

and how could i ever deny
the love of my saviour
You are to me everything
all i need forever

how could You be so good to me?

there is no one like You
there has never ever been anyone
like You

everywhere You are there
earth or air, surrounding
im not alone the heavens sing along
my God Your so astounding

how could You be so good to me?

eternally, i believe
there is no one like You
there has never ever been anyone like You

im not alone
so sing along
your not alone
so sing along

there is no one like You
there has never ever been anyone like You