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i think im finally beginning to see what it is that im being hurled towards. i think im finally grasping what im fighting through the crowds to see. to obtain. i think im finally beginning to see what this towering inferno is. what it represents.
my fears.
my fears of being found out. of letting someone in. of that someone i let in, finding out. that im fallible. and in so many ways, a failure.
ive lived my life only allowing certain pieces of who i am to show. terrified of not being accepted for who i truly am, for what i truly like. for the mistakes ive made, for the passions ive buried deep and for the things that break my heart.
as far back as i can remember, my heart has longed for a guidebook for this journey. a handbook on how to be me, 10 steps to becoming a man of God and other neat things….. or something to that effect. a map, or even a street sign simply pointing me down the road i’m supposed to walk.
maybe i’m beginning to learn that it’s less of a road, and more of a direction, or a goal. maybe this towering inferno i’m running to isnt so much something found on a map, but the construct of decades of living in fear. and maybe thats why i know i need to get to the top. to stand there, amidst the flames.
and watch my fears burn.
and amen
why is it that i feel that if im not worrying about something, if there isnt some burden im carrying, then im missing something? that im not doing enough?
what is it about worry that makes me fear not worrying? its as if i feel that if im not doing it all, being it all, trying with all, then i’m somehow incomplete.
why have i bought into the belief that im not supposed to be happy? that real, true joy isnt obtainable? that i dont believe this peace that passes all understanding is actually something i should have access to? that i’m somehow less worthy of that gift?
to be honest, i just contradicted myself. a gift, in its truest form, is never deserved. dictionary.com says something bestowed or acquired without any particular effort by the recipient or without its being earned.
nannyk8 has been talking a lot about the fear of the other shoe. and i think i find myself in the same situation. fear of the other shoe dropping. and somehow i convinced myself that if i only did enough, i could keep the fraying shoestring from breaking.
i think life is more about facing those fraying shoe strings, and in some cases even cutting them, than it is about frantically trying to keep those shoes from falling.
because if we’re honest with ourselves, we realize we cannot hope that the shoe wont drop. not in this world. chances are that it will, or if it doesnt, another one will take its place.
thats not fatalism, thats simple honesty. we live in a world where it’s impossible to avoid pain. even when we want to.
i’m beginning to actually get the fact that trust is of no value when there is nothing risked. im finally beginning to understand that in trusting the one i call my saviour, i must learn to stop worrying. i must learn to actually trust Him.
someone once said we’ll only ever grow as far, and go as far in life as we allow ourselves to learn. as much as that is factual, im beginning to believe we’ll only grow as far and go as far in life as we’re willing to trust Him.
it isnt trust unless something is risked. it isnt perfect peace unless you trust Him. it isnt living unless you know this perfect peace.
those are truths i know in my head. i can recite, and in some situations, i stand on those promises. but there are still times when i find myself picking up a burden too large for my shoulders. and even though i see Him standing there, offering to take my burden… i still pretend like i’ve got it. like i’m in control and that somehow carrying this weight that i wasnt destined to lift, is normal.
i convince myself that i know better than He does. and it’s all because i fear trusting Him. i fear letting go.
it isnt life, unless you trust Him with it.
He doenst promise that the shoe wont drop, but He promises to be there, even if it does. He promises to never leave. and He promises to guide us through the fire if indeed, that shoe drops.
i’ve read the story of david more often than any i’ve read about any other character in the bible. there is something about his life, about the way he lived, the pain and trials he endured, that i hold close to my heart.
there is something about his failures and victories that i see in myself. there is something in the cry of that heart of his that echoes in the depths of my own. there is something beautiful inside those stories, stories of temptation, heartache, betrayal, struggle, triumph, and defeat that ring with the sound of grace.
there is something alive inside of those stories. of the boy who would be king. stories that reflect our own lives. stories that prove that life is more than we currently see. stories that show that herding sheep on the side of a mountain for weeks and months at a time, isn’t menial. stories that prove that even our worst days have purpose. that what we’re going through right now is preparing us for what the Author has for us next.
woven inside the stories of davids life is purpose, passion, destiny. we see that now because we see the end from the beginning. we see that because we see the end result. we dont hear the heartache of the lost dreams. we dont see the tears that fell or hear the songs that were uttered out of a broken heart. we dont see the boy/king who’s only friends were the stars, sheep and smooth pebbles.
we dont hear the heartache, but it was there.
we see a boy/king who grew up knowing he was destined for something great. who grew up the smallest, and least important. we see a boy/king who was relegated to the lowliest of positions. who had his dreams brought from the recesses of his heart to the cusp of reality, and then snatched away again.
we see a young man who in a matter of months went from the lowest of jobs, to serving the king and back again. what we dont know, what we dont see; is what went on in his heart during that time.
we all want to see our dreams come true, we all have hopes and passions we hold close to ourselves. things we care for so deeply that we fear to whisper them, as if letting them be heard will somehow cheapen the value we kn0w they have. we all have dreams that we hold so tightly, that even our closest friends may not know about them.
we dont know much about what david went through during those dark days. but we do know, it wasnt his end. it wasnt the final pages, of the final chapter of his story. it may have felt like it, but it wasnt. there was a purpose for what he was going through. there was a softening of his heart that needed to happen. there were things inside ofdavid that only come to the surface when the heat was unbearably hot.
im learning that its in the times when dreams almost come true, that we find out what we’re really made of. its in the times when those dreams were so close we almost allowed ourselves the courage it would take to hope, that the real us begins to come out.. its in those times when our dreams, once so hidden and mysterious, are brought to the very cusp of reality and then shattered, that we learn what makes us tick. that we learn what really drives us.
that we learn what is in our hearts. and we learn, that it truly is something beautiful.
Needtobreathe – Something Beautiful
hey now, this is my desire
consume me like a fire
coz i just want
something beautiful to touch me
i know i am in reach
coz i am down on my knees
waiting for
something beautiful
lyrics from Delirious’s song White Ribbon Day. and yet for some reason, so much more to me.
why is it that i lose sight of that? why is it that in the busy have-to’s, the crazy requirements at work, the stress of a never ending day and all the other things we just need to get done, i lose sight of that simple truth. of that simple foundation piece.
why is it that im so quick to judge that driver in traffic and so quick to forget that i am in as much need of grace as He is? why do i try so hard to be the ‘leader’ and forget so quickly that the One who is leading me, lead by serving?
this One i follow, the Prince of Peace, the author of my story, He came 2000 years ago and promised a peace not as the world knows it but a peace that passes all understanding. why is it so easy to step out from under that and worry about our futures? or our (my) jobs? why do we chose to ignore the promises He gave us to provide for us always and instead fret what tomorrow may bring?
if He is who He says He is, then He knows tomorrow already. and if He is who He says He is, then He knows what’s best for you, not only today and tomorrow, but for every tomorrow you will face.
if you’re honest with yourself tonight, if i’m honest tonight, there would be stories we could tell… stories where we know He came through for us. moments in time that you can point to without question and share about how you shouldnt have lived through that. or about how i shouldnt be alive today.
the point is, you have a story. He’s come through for you in the past. and He will again. He promised.
so we stand, saved by His blood. and we trust in the One who is writing our stories.
so many reasons run through my mind right now as to why i waited so long to finish this journey. so many thoughts, excuses, questions.
i had hoped that at the end of the first 30 days, there would be some answers. or a new perspective. or a deeper understanding of, well, everything. or more accurately, a few small things.
here i am though, many days removed from what was actually day 30 and i dont think i’ve achieved any of those goals. and im forced to ask if that means i’m a failure, or if it means something else. something so infinitely simple, it’s almost laughable.
maybe i spent the last thirty days simply re-learning the simple truth of how much i have to be thankful for. maybe that is what this whole journey was about. maybe, just maybe, thats what this whole journey is about. being aware of the people, moments, conversations, interruptions and tangents that bring color to an otherwise colorless existence. being aware, and being thankful.
maybe i was simply supposed to learn to be thankful.
so tonight, i am thankful. for the journey drawing to a close, and for the new one starting. i am thankful for tangents, relationships, friends, family, conversations, interruptions and journeys that make life…. alive.
to close, i am thankful for rescue.
because i was rescued. because there is a Rescuer. and because He wants to rescue you too.
simple. honest. the yearning of my heart.
Matt Redman – When All Is Said and Done
life’s too short to be lukewarm
this i know
this i know
Jesus, you can have it all
my every breath
my every breath
i need your power to live this life
this i know
this i know
i cant do this by myself
you’re Christ in me
my only hope
my only hope
as i walk this broken world
tune my life to heavens song
for i am yours
and when all is said and done
tune my life to heavens song
forevermore
forevermore
i need your powert to live this life
this i know
this i know
no i cant do this by myself
youre christ in me
my only hope
my only hope
as i walk this broken world
tune my life to heavens song
for i am yours
and when all is said and done
tune my life to heavens song
forevermore
forevermore
today, i am thankful for the simple truth that we were destined to fail. that in the infinite wisdom of our Creator, of the Promise Maker, we were given the chance to fail. and fail again and again and again.
as a society, we dont expect failure. we dont allow for it in our lives, and we dont allow for it in others. we’ve somehow grown to expect perfection. if we have a less than stellar experience at a restaurant, we tell everyone. if someone cuts us off in traffic, we’re livid. and our unlucky coworkers feel wrath when we finally arrive at work.
we expect to be wowed by amazing feats of physical ability every time we watch an nfl game.
we expect the gold medal and if someone else wins, even fairly, we dont accept our position graciously.
but thats not reality. none of it.
reality is that we’re each broken, hurting people. living in a damaged society doing its best to hold itself together. reality is that the world would be a better place if only we allowed each other the grace to fail and the mercy to pick each other back up.
reality is knowing that i am who i am because of the people in my life who let me fail forward. who let me land on my face, and were there to pick up the pieces.
and if there is a balance to be had, its in realizing we all fail. we all try, and we all fail.
and in understanding that, in accepting that, we truly find our ability to love others for who they are. because it’s in accepting that simple truth, that the playing field is equalized. and i think, just maybe, thats what this Cross is supposed to point us to. that we’re all in need of grace and mercy. that we all fail. we were destined to.
so tonight, i am thankful for that simple truth. because it points us to a much bigger truth. a truth that has carried millions of souls over thousands of years.
tonight, i am also thankful, that we are also destined to get back up.
for you see, in that infinite wisdom, He knew we’d never make it on our own. He knew that we’d fail. so He sent His Son to live a perfect life, in our stead.
and it’s because of that perfect life, that perfect sacrifice, that we can extend grace and mercy to others. it’s because we’ve first experienced failure, and the unconditional love that followed it, that we can offer the same to those around us.
God help us to live like Your Son did…..
today i am thankful for answered prayers.
for big issues not being so big. for mercy and grace, and for people who let you fail. not because they want you to fail, but because they want you to try….
for friends new puppas (hello tanka!)
and for knowing that next steps will be needed.
most of all, today i am thankful just to be alive.
