this

is not all there is.

i am not destined to live the life my father did.

i wont.

i will be different.

watch.  just watch.

a long time coming

I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are.

so much changes, and sometimes it still seems like so much stays the same. the only way i can describe it, is that im realizing that ive been living in a black and white world. and only now are my eyes opening. and im finally seeing this amazing, beautiful thing called ‘color’.

im stuck between two extremes. on the one hand, what i know. home. safety. and on the other? life. abundant, beautiful, breathtaking life, love and color.

It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened?

i think im finally coming to some idea of what the future may hold. of where im going to be. of what the next part of my life will look like. for so long i’ve put everything on hold. part of it was for good reasons, others was simply out of my own fears.

But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer.

so much changes, and yet so much stays the same. im not the same person i was just a few weeks ago. i know im not. things have changed. I have changed. and im not happy here anymore. i want room. space. a place to breath. this part of my story is starting to draw to a close. the next page is turning.

so often, we run from the things that we dont like. we strain and strive for the things that make us comfortable. and when were not comfortable, everyone knows. we fight for our rights, for whats ours. and somehow, in the cacophony of voices screaming for what they want, we lose sight of what is most important.

we lose sight of our reason for being here. of hope. of love. we lose sight of the things that are truly worth fighting for. we lose sight of those we love, of the injustices in the world, and the path we were given to tread.

life was never meant to be easy. because anything easily gotten has no value. life was meant to have battles. it was meant to have risk. we are supposed to know how valuable life is. and we’re supposed to live accordingly.

i’m not promising that i’ll never feel lost. because i will.

i just know this

i hear it. its in the pre-dawn song of the birds, in the roar of the wind and the flash of the lightning. its there. you hear it to.

life is calling.

and i’m answering the call.

Frodo: I can’t do this, Sam.

Sam: I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened?
But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer.
Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why.
But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.

Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?

Sam: That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo… and it’s worth fighting for.

the ring

No one answered. The noon-bell rang. Still no one spoke. Frodo glanced at all the faces, but they were not turned to him. All the Council sat with downcast eyes, as if in deep thought. A great dread fell on him as if he was awaiting the pronouncement of some great doom that he had long foreseen and vainly hoped might after all never be spoken. An overwhelming longing to rest and remain at peace by Bilbo’s side in Rivendell filled all his heart. At last with an effort he spoke, and wondered to hear his own words, as if some other will was using his small voice.

‘I will take the ring.’ he said, ‘though I do not know the way.’

so maybe i don’t have a “ring” so to speak – to carry. i do, just like frodo, have a calling. a road i must walk.

and again, just like frodo, i do not know the way.

Father, i am sorry. i’ve wandered from my path. ive compromised.

forgive me?

goodbye….

i remembered again today… why it is that i dislike watching people leave my apartment. its not the actual leaving… as much as it reminds of of airport terminals.standing at the door to my apartment, watching a loved one walk down the hallway… they make a turn for the stairs and in a moment… they’re gone. and in all honesty, you never truly know when you will see that person again.

tomorrow – ill have to do that. only this time – it will be the airport. and not just my apartment door. this time, it wont be 10 minutes that seperate us. this time, it will be 1700 miles.

this time… all over again.

my wisdom teeth came out friday afternoon. and im doin ok. its now been 4 and a half days. im not bleeding anymore. i had my first actual (be it all soft foods) meal this evening. see, my dad flew in. major surprise. was not expecting it.

shocked would have been how i felt on friday nite when i got the message he was due in less than 24 hours. not only had the novacaine worn off, but my dad – whom i had not seen in nearly a year – was coming to town.

and now, only 3 days later. he is leaving.

again.

“Have you often been to Rivendell?” said Frodo.
“I have” said strider, “I dwelt there once, and I still return when I may. There my heart is, but it is not my fate to sit in peace.

so much changes. in such a little time.