You are currently browsing the category archive for the 'Life' category.
and amen
why is it that i feel that if im not worrying about something, if there isnt some burden im carrying, then im missing something? that im not doing enough?
what is it about worry that makes me fear not worrying? its as if i feel that if im not doing it all, being it all, trying with all, then i’m somehow incomplete.
why have i bought into the belief that im not supposed to be happy? that real, true joy isnt obtainable? that i dont believe this peace that passes all understanding is actually something i should have access to? that i’m somehow less worthy of that gift?
to be honest, i just contradicted myself. a gift, in its truest form, is never deserved. dictionary.com says something bestowed or acquired without any particular effort by the recipient or without its being earned.
nannyk8 has been talking a lot about the fear of the other shoe. and i think i find myself in the same situation. fear of the other shoe dropping. and somehow i convinced myself that if i only did enough, i could keep the fraying shoestring from breaking.
i think life is more about facing those fraying shoe strings, and in some cases even cutting them, than it is about frantically trying to keep those shoes from falling.
because if we’re honest with ourselves, we realize we cannot hope that the shoe wont drop. not in this world. chances are that it will, or if it doesnt, another one will take its place.
thats not fatalism, thats simple honesty. we live in a world where it’s impossible to avoid pain. even when we want to.
i’m beginning to actually get the fact that trust is of no value when there is nothing risked. im finally beginning to understand that in trusting the one i call my saviour, i must learn to stop worrying. i must learn to actually trust Him.
someone once said we’ll only ever grow as far, and go as far in life as we allow ourselves to learn. as much as that is factual, im beginning to believe we’ll only grow as far and go as far in life as we’re willing to trust Him.
it isnt trust unless something is risked. it isnt perfect peace unless you trust Him. it isnt living unless you know this perfect peace.
those are truths i know in my head. i can recite, and in some situations, i stand on those promises. but there are still times when i find myself picking up a burden too large for my shoulders. and even though i see Him standing there, offering to take my burden… i still pretend like i’ve got it. like i’m in control and that somehow carrying this weight that i wasnt destined to lift, is normal.
i convince myself that i know better than He does. and it’s all because i fear trusting Him. i fear letting go.
it isnt life, unless you trust Him with it.
He doenst promise that the shoe wont drop, but He promises to be there, even if it does. He promises to never leave. and He promises to guide us through the fire if indeed, that shoe drops.
i’ve read the story of david more often than any i’ve read about any other character in the bible. there is something about his life, about the way he lived, the pain and trials he endured, that i hold close to my heart.
there is something about his failures and victories that i see in myself. there is something in the cry of that heart of his that echoes in the depths of my own. there is something beautiful inside those stories, stories of temptation, heartache, betrayal, struggle, triumph, and defeat that ring with the sound of grace.
there is something alive inside of those stories. of the boy who would be king. stories that reflect our own lives. stories that prove that life is more than we currently see. stories that show that herding sheep on the side of a mountain for weeks and months at a time, isn’t menial. stories that prove that even our worst days have purpose. that what we’re going through right now is preparing us for what the Author has for us next.
woven inside the stories of davids life is purpose, passion, destiny. we see that now because we see the end from the beginning. we see that because we see the end result. we dont hear the heartache of the lost dreams. we dont see the tears that fell or hear the songs that were uttered out of a broken heart. we dont see the boy/king who’s only friends were the stars, sheep and smooth pebbles.
we dont hear the heartache, but it was there.
we see a boy/king who grew up knowing he was destined for something great. who grew up the smallest, and least important. we see a boy/king who was relegated to the lowliest of positions. who had his dreams brought from the recesses of his heart to the cusp of reality, and then snatched away again.
we see a young man who in a matter of months went from the lowest of jobs, to serving the king and back again. what we dont know, what we dont see; is what went on in his heart during that time.
we all want to see our dreams come true, we all have hopes and passions we hold close to ourselves. things we care for so deeply that we fear to whisper them, as if letting them be heard will somehow cheapen the value we kn0w they have. we all have dreams that we hold so tightly, that even our closest friends may not know about them.
we dont know much about what david went through during those dark days. but we do know, it wasnt his end. it wasnt the final pages, of the final chapter of his story. it may have felt like it, but it wasnt. there was a purpose for what he was going through. there was a softening of his heart that needed to happen. there were things inside ofdavid that only come to the surface when the heat was unbearably hot.
im learning that its in the times when dreams almost come true, that we find out what we’re really made of. its in the times when those dreams were so close we almost allowed ourselves the courage it would take to hope, that the real us begins to come out.. its in those times when our dreams, once so hidden and mysterious, are brought to the very cusp of reality and then shattered, that we learn what makes us tick. that we learn what really drives us.
that we learn what is in our hearts. and we learn, that it truly is something beautiful.
Needtobreathe – Something Beautiful
hey now, this is my desire
consume me like a fire
coz i just want
something beautiful to touch me
i know i am in reach
coz i am down on my knees
waiting for
something beautiful
why is it that ive felt this need to disguise things? if you knew me at all, you’d know that i’ve tried hard to be someone who didnt hide behind a well painted picket fence.
but for months now, i’ve been trying to convince myself that things are ok.
friday i came home on the verge of tears. i told God i needed whatever was next. that i’m through with where i am at. with the battles im constantly fighting. with the heartache. with the feeling of being incomplete. with feeling like there is this huge part of life i’m missing out on.
i told Him, or maybe im telling Him…. that im lonely. i am. and this isnt something easy for me to say. i’ve been in texas for 5 years and my closest friends are still more than a thousand miles away. it shouldnt be that way. i should have friends here.
i dont feel i fit. anywhere.
like a square peg in a round hole.
i left work friday, and i was done. i couldnt take another task, another email.
i just wanted to go somewhere where i fit. where i could be real and let the picket fences fall. where i could say that im not perfect, i dont have the answers…. where i could feel. where i could be real and not be afraid of peoples reactions. where i could breath deep.
i was on my way home… and He didnt say anything. there was no rending of the heavens, no angelic choir, no message in the sky.
but just as i flipped radio stations for the 2oth time, this song started. it’s been my theme song since i first heard it. and i dont know what it says about me that i’ve not gotten beyond it…. but it’s still my theme song.
because all i can do right now, is barely hold on to You.
there is something that brings both relief and rest in letting go. in coming to the conclusion that you cannot change what you want to see changed. that as much as we strive for and try to seem in control, as hard as we work to keep up the front of everything being ‘ok’, we are just as much in need of rescue as the next person.
maybe it’s something you’re dealing with internally like a challenge or hurt or personality trait that you cannot overcome on your own. maybe its something external; a situation or problem you’re facing at work, or with a friend or family member.
whatever it is, i’m slowly learning that we dont truly understand the power of this thing called grace until we finally let go. and we verbalize what’s going on. we tell someone we trust, we’re honest about it, and suddenly, it loses some of its power. because someone else knows. someone else, with a different perspective, who will be there, and pray for us. and point us to the One who promised to never leave us.
so maybe thats where i find myself tonight. no, let me correct that. that is where i find myself tonight. i am dealing with internal hurts and personality traits i cannot overcome. and im dealing with a challenge at work that honestly has me concerned. i know, we dont like to admit when something makes us nervous. but this does. this makes me nervous.
we all need these reminders. reminders of things bigger than me. reminders of the calling placed on our lives for a life bigger than me. we all need to be reminded that this isnt the end. that one situation, one challenge doesnt end our story. we all need to be reminded that grace exists. we all need to be reminded that the great chasm we sense at times, has already been bridged. we all need to be reminded that we werent made to worry, that we were given this life to live to point to the One who gives life.
we all need to be reminded that on the roads we walk, we all need grace. that no matter how much we have it together, we all need mercy and kindness and love.
so this is me, being honest about where im at. that im stuck and that im in need of resuce.
this is me, doing my best, and asking for help in letting go.
You alone can rescue
You alone can save
You alone can lift us from the grave
You came down to find us
lead us out of death
to You alone belongs the highest praise
lyrics from Delirious’s song White Ribbon Day. and yet for some reason, so much more to me.
why is it that i lose sight of that? why is it that in the busy have-to’s, the crazy requirements at work, the stress of a never ending day and all the other things we just need to get done, i lose sight of that simple truth. of that simple foundation piece.
why is it that im so quick to judge that driver in traffic and so quick to forget that i am in as much need of grace as He is? why do i try so hard to be the ‘leader’ and forget so quickly that the One who is leading me, lead by serving?
this One i follow, the Prince of Peace, the author of my story, He came 2000 years ago and promised a peace not as the world knows it but a peace that passes all understanding. why is it so easy to step out from under that and worry about our futures? or our (my) jobs? why do we chose to ignore the promises He gave us to provide for us always and instead fret what tomorrow may bring?
if He is who He says He is, then He knows tomorrow already. and if He is who He says He is, then He knows what’s best for you, not only today and tomorrow, but for every tomorrow you will face.
if you’re honest with yourself tonight, if i’m honest tonight, there would be stories we could tell… stories where we know He came through for us. moments in time that you can point to without question and share about how you shouldnt have lived through that. or about how i shouldnt be alive today.
the point is, you have a story. He’s come through for you in the past. and He will again. He promised.
so we stand, saved by His blood. and we trust in the One who is writing our stories.
i would never have guessed that in the closing months of my 29th year on this planet, these would be the circumstances that surround me. i would never have guessed the changes, the upheaval, the pain and loss, and joy and freedom that the previous 29 years would have brought.
i would never have imagined that this is where i would be.
would i have chosen these roads? this path? would i, being given the vision of my, of this future, have chosen the same road that i was asked to walk? probably not.
but that only means one thing. it means that im not as wise as i want to be. that there are bigger things at play here than i comprehend. and that even after all ive seen, all ive done, and all ive come from, that there is still a rescuer out there. that He rescued me. and that He’ll be there when i need rescuing again.
so as i stand, looking at the final few months of my 20’s, i dont fear. i may not have chosen these roads, but ive walked them.
and as i step into 2010….
i will chose to hold the hand of the one who has brought me this far.
Father let my heart be after you…
and sometimes, the understanding you so wish would come remains hidden under a cloak of mystery. and the dreams and visions you carry encompasses it, cover it, keeping it outside of your grasp or understanding…..
someone once wrote words that came from a heart i almost believe was much like mine. questioning, fearful, confused, ultimately – human.
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
as this new week starts, that’s the hope i cling to. that no matter what may come my way, it is temporal. and the One who is eternal, is holding me in the palm of His hands. and the amazing thing, is that He holds you too.
no matter what you’re going through, or where you find yourself tonight, He is there.
and He will hold you too.
so many reasons run through my mind right now as to why i waited so long to finish this journey. so many thoughts, excuses, questions.
i had hoped that at the end of the first 30 days, there would be some answers. or a new perspective. or a deeper understanding of, well, everything. or more accurately, a few small things.
here i am though, many days removed from what was actually day 30 and i dont think i’ve achieved any of those goals. and im forced to ask if that means i’m a failure, or if it means something else. something so infinitely simple, it’s almost laughable.
maybe i spent the last thirty days simply re-learning the simple truth of how much i have to be thankful for. maybe that is what this whole journey was about. maybe, just maybe, thats what this whole journey is about. being aware of the people, moments, conversations, interruptions and tangents that bring color to an otherwise colorless existence. being aware, and being thankful.
maybe i was simply supposed to learn to be thankful.
so tonight, i am thankful. for the journey drawing to a close, and for the new one starting. i am thankful for tangents, relationships, friends, family, conversations, interruptions and journeys that make life…. alive.
to close, i am thankful for rescue.
because i was rescued. because there is a Rescuer. and because He wants to rescue you too.
i know, i know – i’ve slacked in my quest with thirty days of thankfulness. to be honest, it’s not because i’m not thankful. it’s not. some of it is forgetfulness on my part, and some of it is sheer willpower, or the lack thereof. either way, i’m not quiting. and i’m contemplating extending this to fourty days.
we’ll see:-).
i will tell you that as we draw so close to the end of this journey (as today is day 29), i know there is still a work to be done in me. i know that i’m far from complete and that the roads i’ve been asked to walk as are as much for me to be changed as they are for me to impact change.
today, i am thankful for
mistakes. for making them. and realizing that i’m making them while i’m doing it. i’m thankful that i live under Grace. and that even in the midst of stupid, self centered decisions, there is mercy. there may not be excuses, and i need to own up to the decisions i make, but there is mercy. thank God for mercy.
answered prayers. be it a 6 month review that puts a lot of my concerns to rest, or surgery on a loved one that went much better than it could have, i am thankful for answered prayers.
challenges. i dont know if i’ve mentioned that before, but i am thankful for challenges. although, when you’re walking through them, it’s not always something you look at and express thankfulness about:-). i’m currently reading who moved my cheese and it’s opening my eyes to the proper way to handle change.
kate. if you’ve not had the pleasure to know kate, you’re missing out. i remember the first time i met her; she was goofy, fun, vibrant, beautiful and full of life. not to mention the smart glasses…. those were what won me over:-). in the years i’ve been blessed to know her, she has challenged, blessed, inspired, encouraged and been a light to my life in more ways than i could possibly mention. our stories are somewhat similar. and knowing that there is someone out there who has walked some of the roads i too must walk…. well, sometimes it just means everything. i am thankful for her, and to her. and i am thrilled for her and her super lucky man:-).
worries. i’m not exactly thankful for my worries as much as i am thankful for the chances to learn, and relearn to trust in the One who has called me by His name. who has called me, called us all to not worry about our life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?
“Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.
family. because they simply rock.
second chances. i think that speaks for itself.
