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i know, i know – i’ve slacked in my quest with thirty days of thankfulness. to be honest, it’s not because i’m not thankful. it’s not. some of it is forgetfulness on my part, and some of it is sheer willpower, or the lack thereof. either way, i’m not quiting. and i’m contemplating extending this to fourty days.
we’ll see:-).
i will tell you that as we draw so close to the end of this journey (as today is day 29), i know there is still a work to be done in me. i know that i’m far from complete and that the roads i’ve been asked to walk as are as much for me to be changed as they are for me to impact change.
today, i am thankful for
mistakes. for making them. and realizing that i’m making them while i’m doing it. i’m thankful that i live under Grace. and that even in the midst of stupid, self centered decisions, there is mercy. there may not be excuses, and i need to own up to the decisions i make, but there is mercy. thank God for mercy.
answered prayers. be it a 6 month review that puts a lot of my concerns to rest, or surgery on a loved one that went much better than it could have, i am thankful for answered prayers.
challenges. i dont know if i’ve mentioned that before, but i am thankful for challenges. although, when you’re walking through them, it’s not always something you look at and express thankfulness about:-). i’m currently reading who moved my cheese and it’s opening my eyes to the proper way to handle change.
kate. if you’ve not had the pleasure to know kate, you’re missing out. i remember the first time i met her; she was goofy, fun, vibrant, beautiful and full of life. not to mention the smart glasses…. those were what won me over:-). in the years i’ve been blessed to know her, she has challenged, blessed, inspired, encouraged and been a light to my life in more ways than i could possibly mention. our stories are somewhat similar. and knowing that there is someone out there who has walked some of the roads i too must walk…. well, sometimes it just means everything. i am thankful for her, and to her. and i am thrilled for her and her super lucky man:-).
worries. i’m not exactly thankful for my worries as much as i am thankful for the chances to learn, and relearn to trust in the One who has called me by His name. who has called me, called us all to not worry about our life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?
“Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.
family. because they simply rock.
second chances. i think that speaks for itself.
today i am thankful for answered prayers.
for big issues not being so big. for mercy and grace, and for people who let you fail. not because they want you to fail, but because they want you to try….
for friends new puppas (hello tanka!)
and for knowing that next steps will be needed.
most of all, today i am thankful just to be alive.
I cannot believe i’ve let this slip by for a whole week! I’ve not given up and i wont quit it though.
in no particular order, i am thankful for:
days off
i took thursday and friday off for some much needed refreshment. it was wonderful. i litterally did nothing on thursday. ive not done nothing, in so long. friday consisted of a trip to the zoo, a parking space that was majically appeared after we prayed for one, and lots of good times.
laptops
mobile computing. it’s great:-)
music
especially the newest stavesacre, God bless stavesacre
challenges
amazingly enough, i put this on here.
conversations with friends youve not spoken with in a year
talks with friends that remind you of who you are, of why you’re doing what you’re doing. that show you that it’s ok if your life looks more like the scragly, scrawny tree stubbornly clinging to the side of a cliff. refusing to let go and give up. talks with friends that remind you that its not always how pretty you flower, but how deep your roots go.
and that sometimes, the most beautiful thing in the world is to find a kindred spirit. a heart that is bruised and bloodied, that has been through battles, that has seen victory and defeat…. but refuses to let go and give up. reminders that it’s in finding those people that one sees how much beauty truly exists in life, in those around you, and in ones own self.
reminders of the promises made for me.
I know, i’ve said this one before, but it still fits. and i need to be reminded of it, every day.
i was going to sit down and type up a cheerful blog about how thankful i am for my friends. it was going to be short, sugary and for the most part, shallow. i’ve decided against that.
dont get me wrong, i am incredibly thankful for my friends. be they near, or far away… i am thankful for those who have allowed me to walk beside them on their journeys. and im am thankful for those who stuck by me on mine.
im blessed to know friends from all parts of the country and our world. new york, pennsylvania, idaho, tennessee, texas, phillipines, canada, china (at times:0)), etc. but if i was honest with you tonight, id say that the biggest challenge ive faced since landing in texas was making friends here. sure, i’ve always got invites from coworkers to hang out, get drinks, etc… but the friendships i desire dont revolve around baseball games and a beer. they revolve around life.
they grow from the siren song that burns in our hearts for a deeper relationship with the one they call the promise maker. the friendships i want stem from a heartfelt desire to find our place in life, and to dig our roots deeply into the soil we’re planted in.
so while i am tremendously thankful for knowing each and every friend i’ve met, i know there is still more to come. i know there are bridges to build, people to meet, smiles to share, and roads to walk. i am hungry to walk this road with someone i call a friend.
i’ve never been one to enjoy gray areas. i much prefer to take my time and gather as much information as possible before making decisions.
and risk taking? not a huge fan of either.
but im learning that it’s only when one takes risks, it’s only when ones armor becomes dented and broken, that we are given the chance to truly experience life. sometimes we take risks and the rewards are great. other times, we take risks and the results leave us to ponder how something so simple could go so incredibly wrong.
in both times, and in every time in between, He promises to be with us.
blessing the good, redeeming the bad.
never. leaving. us.
and for tonight, that is what i am thankful for. that even though i dont always see Him, even though sometimes His hands are hid, i’m thankful that He promised to never leave.
today, i am thankful for dreams.
and for gentle reminders that the dreams placed in my heart, arent lost.
is there a reason we’re not honest when someone asks how we’re doing? is there something inside of us that keeps us from simply being real, and telling that person exactly what is going on?
we live our lives so connected, so intertwined with others, and yet so insulated and separate from any sort of real relationship. we twitter, blog, facebook, myspace, text and bluetooth each other more so now than any time in history. yet, when we’re faced with someone who asks that question, we freeze… and more often than not, we ofter a pat answer. dishonest, insincere….
now i realize that if you’re walking by that coworker you met two days ago and they ask how you’re doing, it’s probably not the best time to tell them about having to rub aunt edna’s corns or that your dog had an accident that weekend. i realize that there are times when a smile and an “im good, thank you. how are you?” is just what is needed.
but i also know that we dont share. we dont honestly tell people what is going on in life.
maybe it’s because when we ask someone how they are doing, we honestly dont want to know. we dont want to know about their struggles, challenges, fears, failures, battles and tears. we dont want to know what’s going on beneath the surface.
we as a people have determined that life is better lived in the shallow end of the pool. we prefer the scene, to see and be seen. we prefer the temporal pleasantries of discussing the weather and our dogs, than more eternal subjects like pain, struggle, heartbreak and passion.
what would happen if someone made that choice, that choice to say farewell to the shoreline. to push off the beach, find the deep waters and dive? what would that person look like? how would they live their life if they determined that how people saw them, didnt matter? that playing in the shallow end wasnt enough?
the bible speaks of rivers of water flowing inside of us. inside us. rivers. not streams, creeks, brooks or tributaries.
rivers. inside of us.
thats what i want to see. when i meet someone, i want to be the type of person who isnt scared of looking into the deep places inside of who they are. i want to be someone who can see the heartache, the pain, the uglieness that exists inside of us all, and still love that person.
there is so much more to life that we chose to miss out on, when we chose to only see the shallow end.
i realize, that sometimes, we just need to hide. we simply need someone, someplace to go where we are safe. i realize that not every person out there will be open and honest about who they are, their challenges and fears. there will be many times where i wont be honest. where i’ll tell someone who is honestly asking how i am, that i’m fine…. i’ll offer a smile and pleasantries and ask how they are.
i may not be the type of person who can push off the shoreline and never look back. but im going to go deeper. someone once said you wont leave where you are, until you decide where you want to be. i may not know where i want to end up, but i know there is an amazing world i want to see. and i’ve got a second chance to do so.
for second chances, and for the rivers that exist in each one of us, i am thankful.
have you ever just stood outside and watched a thunderstorm roll in? smelled the change in the atmosphere? you almost sense that the earth knows that something violent, powerful and ultimately cleansing is coming. something of supreme beauty, and ultimately, danger.
have you ever stood outside and felt the first drops, promising the torrents that will come?
have you ever stood there and felt the temperature plunge? watched the trees as their peaceful slumber is interrupted and they’re transformed from sleeping beauties into a writhing mass of leaves, branches and wind?
thunderstorms in texas are unlike any storms you’ll find on earth. jade green clouds, a brisk vibrancy on the wind; the atmosphere itself is almost electric. its like all the earth stands still in anticipation.
and a thunderstorm at night? it can leave you breathless.
i’ve had the benefit of driving through some of the craziest storms we’ve had down here. and although i find them awesome, make no mistake that the damage they can cause, and the tornado’s they can spawn are nothing to be romanced. they are dangerous, period.
thunderstorms are a part of life, and in as much as they are dangerous, they are beautiful. they provide light where there was none.
and if you can imagine standing at the top of a precipice, the sun long set… watching a storm roll in. when it finally arrives, for the briefest of moments, the darkness of night that swallows you whole is pushed away. lightning flashes. and for that moment in time, you can see. you can see where you are, what’s next, and if you’re high enough, what’s to come.
sometimes, we’re blessed with those moments of vivid clarity for our own lives. moments when, in the midst of the storm, lightning flashes. and for that nanosecond, everything is bright. and in some small way, you’re given peace. you realize that the world, the mountain youre on, or the valley you’re in, are much larger than you are. you realize that this storm roiling over your head is beyond your capability to control. you realize how small you are, and how awesome it is to be alive during this time.
even more rare, is when the storm flashes… and we’re not given a glimpse of our lives, but the life of someone else. in that moment, the darkness is pushed back and we see how amazing their life is. we see what’s already passed, and what is to come. we see their future. the rolling green hills and the mountains that will need climbing.
in that kairos moment, we’re given a glimpse into the life of someone else. a glimpse into how the King views this person. not just as she is, but as she can be, as she will be. and if we allow ourselves, we accept the burden of knowing. and of praying. and of supporting this person. even if it means from afar.
because we realize that we weren’t given this gift of vision, to consume on ourselves. we realize, i realize… that with this glimpse comes the challenge of praying for her. and trusting that the King who granted such a wonderful glimpse…. will keep her safe. because in that split second, something was communicated to us that no amount of words could communicate. value. you realize that she’s the alluvial diamond. that this flash of daylight was a glimpse into her future. into something that is beyond me. beyond my capability to understand…. both dangerous, and beautiful. breathtakingly beautiful.
i realize how much these glimpses mean. because they are roadsigns, gifts from the King, and a sign that i’m not lost. yes, the storm may be intense, this valley may be deep, or the mountain may seem unclimbable….
but above the storm exists One who looks down… and controls all.
we we’re born with a knowing that there was more to life than a 9-5 job. it’s in lifes storms that we discover what that calling really is.
it’s a calling of hope, of passion, of sacrifice and pain and heartache. it’s a calling to live a dangerous life. and a life filled with a beauty beyond our wildest dreams.
so it is in His hands that i place her future. just because i was given the gift of lightning doesnt mean i’m to intrude. it only means that she’s climbing a mountain, or facing a valley… and she needs someone to pray for her. so i will.
i spent the majority of this week in Denver on business. and as much as the trip was a professional blessing, i found myself thinking of things completely un-work related.
i was at a company sponsored dinner last night. and as the wine flowed, and conversation came easy to those around me, something caught my attention…
i sat there, and i stared. it was simple really, it wasnt anything miraculous or breathtaking to anyone but me. it didnt cause the earth to stand still. there was no voice from heaven or angelic choir. it was the hand of my coworker. holding a wineglass. it was her left hand. and there was a beautiful ring on her finger.
and in a moment, everything around me faded away. i was transported. i wasnt at dinner surrounded by coworkers. i was lost a world beyond my physical location. wondering… wondering whose hand would sit across the table from me, every night for the rest of my life. whose ring would glitter in the dim light of the italian restaurant… whose hand would mindlessly caress her wineglass.
i wondered if i’d ever find her. and if she wonders the same thing.
later that evening… a certain someone popped into my head. and, well. i realized this:
you? you are beautiful. and its not just a physical beauty. it isnt. it emanates from who you are. from your spirit. you glow. and it makes all of who you are, beautiful.
you? you are worthy to be chased. you are worth fighting for. you are worth losing everything in life to obtain. you are the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. you are worth waiting for. and worth dreaming about.
you may not see it yet, not as clearly as you will. you may not even believe it’s there, but it is. its inside you. a gift from your Creator. specific to you, and for you. and it makes you beautiful.
and even if i’m never the one to chase you, even if im not the one who sits across from you, filled with joy because you wear my ring. even if i never get the chance to tell you in person, you are worthy of pursuing. and if there was a line to stand in, i’d camp outside to be first.
you’re worthy of love. of fighting for.
you are beautiful.
if i disappeared tomorrow, what would i leave behind? what legacy would carry on beyond just me? would people tell stories? would my life be worthy of remembering?
im slowly realizing that each day im alive, i’m gifted with the blessing of a blank canvas, a brush, and a pallet of colors to chose from. and each day, im faced with the challenge and responsibility of painting how the day will go. how i will chose to act, and react. how i will speak, and how i will listen.
what colors do i paint with? what colors do i chose to use?
what memory will be left when im gone? what will people remember about me?
im realizing that my lack of deep relationships here in texas directly impacts the depth and passion with which my colors will come through. there is no deeper a blue, or vibrant a red, no more alive a green than what comes from mixing your colors with those of someone you care for.
friendship breeds color, and the vibrant brightness of life.
when im gone, i want people to look at my paintings and know that i lived a full life. i want them to see the green of the hills in Ireland, the gray skies of a Scottish morning, the deep blue of Australia’s coral reefs. i want them to know that the red of my love burned deep, for my saviour, and for my wife.
paintings like that, colors as rich as the experiences this life can offer, dont come overnight. they’re birthed each day, when you wake up. when i wake up. colors like that come from risk. from allowing yourself to be real. to be a friend, even when you’re afraid. colors like that are born from the real, gritty experiences that can be found only by living life fully.
if i want colors that rich, then the blackness of my nights will be that much darker. the deep blue pain will be that much more sharp. the gray of loneliness will be that much more real.
life in so many ways is an all or nothing ordeal. many times, you will not be able to pick and chose the experiences you walk through. if you chose to live life to its fullest, it will be breathtaking, it will be filled with love. but you will also feel pain and you will know intimately, the sting of betrayal, and the heartbreak of loss.
i cannot help but feel that when Christ called his first disciples, that deep in their soul, they knew that this calling, this question to follow the One they’d only just met, they knew that His offer carried with it the weight of a life fully lived. a life filled with the brightest colors this world could offer, but also the darkest nights they would ever experience.
and here we are, 2000 years later still standing in awe of the lives they lived.
i want that.
i’ll take the dark nights, the deep blue of pain and the aching gray of loneliness. i’ll take those because i’m listening to His call. and i’m choosing to follow.
