i will walk on water

how long did i tread water? how long did i hold on to the floating remains of my life? the few pieces of the boat that had been my entire existence? how hard did i kick? how many days were spent searching for any sign of land? how many nights did i cry myself to sleep?

before i found her. before i found someone else.. someone who had fought as i had. who had, at one time, clung to her past as an act of simply trying to stay afloat. someone who watched her life explode and sink…and in an instant, found herself miles from shore, and from help.

she made it. she made it to shore… and she didnt run from the water. she knew there were others like her, others, like me… who didnt know which way to swim… or where the shore was.

so she did the only thing she could. she shoved off the shore, and with a ship now hewn by scars and healed wounds, she lived her life on the water. looking for other survivors. others who wouldnt have made it without her guidance. without her encouragement. without her love. without her telling them that she’d been there. that she knew the way to the shore… and that they’d make it.

kate, thank you.

for not giving up. for making it to the shore. and thank you, for coming back for me.

you may never understand how much it meant, to know someone else had survived what i was going through. who made it. who found strength in pain, who found that shore, found life, and brought hope to those who may not have made it.thank you.

for telling me, in so many ways, that everything would be all right.

how long have i been in this storm
so overwhelmed by the oceans shapeless form
waters getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head

if i could just see you
everything would be alright
if id see you
this darkness would turn to light

and i will walk on water
and you will catch me if i fall
and i will get lost into your eyes
and know everything will be alright
and know everything is alright

I know you didnt bring me out here to drown
so why am i ten feet under and upside down
barely surviving has become my purpose
cos im so used to living underneath the surface

if i could just see you
everything would be alright
if id see you
this darkness would turn to light

and i will walk on water
and you will catch me if i fall
and i will get lost into your eyes
i know everything will be alright
i know everything is alright

lifehouse
-storm

breathtakingly beautiful

it seems we humans enjoy living life with willful ignorance.  if its true, if ignorance really is bliss, then we strive for bliss with every fiber of our being.

we live life like there were no consequences.  we love, never truly showing that tomorrow, the ones we love could be gone.  we spend like the job will always be there.  we live, like tomorrow will always come.

when we lack our own stability, we create it wherever we can find it.

and it takes bravery and courage to stop.  to begin to ask the hard questions.  to change the way we look at life.  it takes bravery to tell yourself that your job may not be there tomorrow… that you really need to talk to your roommate about their substance abuse…. that we shouldn’t take advantage today, of what may be gone tomorrow.

so many of us are blessed to punch a clock.  to work our 8-5 and know our paycheck will be waiting.  to know that the same amount will always be deposited in our checking account.  we have our set of responsibilities and as long as they are completed by 5pm on Friday; the weekend, and the paycheck are ours.

Christs first choices never had that.  they never enjoyed that sense of security.  they lived and breathed the seeming randomness of the sea.  they could never bet on what they’d bring home.  they’d never know if it would be a big payday, or if their family would go hungry…they worked and toiled with all they had and there was no guarantee.

they lived life without a security blanket.

maybe God was trying to tell us something.  maybe He was trying to tell us that in this fallen world, life could change in an instant.  that the people we know and love could be gone in the blink of an eye.  that our 8-5 could be outsourced or downsized.  that life was meant to be lived because there was no guarantee outside of Him.

they never had stability and yet, they still got up every morning.  they could never find a firm foundation on their work and yet, they risked their lives every day.  they had families, friends, community.  and eventually, thet found their foundation in the only rock that would never move from beneath them.

im guilty too.

ive lived the past 27 years going from mini-crisis to mini-crisis.  as soon as God dealt with one, or i stopped freaking out about it, something new would rise up.  some new wave would threaten my oh so precious nets.  the boat would rock, id get splashed…

and id realize with a *gasp* that i was in a tiny little boat on a world covered by water.  id realize my life was puny, tiny, and of little consequence… and id scramble… id check my rigging, my nets, the boats course.  id double and tripple check…. all in the vain attempt at keeping all the balls in the air.  driven by the fear of coming back to port, a failure.

ive lived the past 27 years, in so many ways, simply running around my little boat.  so afraid that when id come back to port, id come back empty.  id come back, a failure.

and all this time, ive missed the One, walking on the waves.

there is no promise in this life…. even for followers of the Master Fisherman.  loved ones are still torn from us, decades before they should have been.  jobs are lost, friendships fail… life, even with the Saviour, can be breathtakingly painful.

He never promised an easy ride, but he did promise to be with us.  no matter what.  He promised to never leave us, to never leave me.

and its in those arms, that promise, that hope… that i must find my foundation.  that i must plant my life, and build my future upon.

because its in those arms, that life can be breathtakingly beautiful. 

p.s.
go listen to mutemath,  track 13.

worlds apart

I look beyond the empty cross
Forgetting what my life has cost
And wipe away the crimson stains
And dull the nail that still remains
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
Battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain,
And wash my feet and cleanse my pride
Take the selfish, take the weak,
And all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
My sin-soaked heart – make it yours
Take my world all apart,
Take it now, take it now
And serve the ones that I despise
Speak the words I can’t deny
Watch the world I used to love
Fall to dust and blow away
I look beyond the empty cross
Forgetting what my life has cost
And wipe away the crimson stains
And dull the nail that still remains
Steal my heart and take the pain
Take the selfish, take the weak
And all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
Take my world apart
Take my world apart
And I pray, and I pray, and I pray
Take my world apart
Worlds apart